Quest for Fulfillment

I usually like to try and keep my blog positive. This post will eventually get positive....I think.

I have been struggling lately with boredom. Now before you jump all over me, hear me out. I have 2 children. The 3-year-old can entertain himself and the almost 1-year-old needs attention but not all day long. So I find lots of dull, empty hours during my day. This has led to feelings of accomplishing nothing and not having a purpose in my life. I mean how many times can you clean the house and have it dirty in 2.5 seconds before you stop cleaning it. These feelings lately are leading to me finding any excuse to spend time away from my children and almost wishing I had never had children in the first place.

I read something in Harry Potter this weekend that kind of brought all of this to a head. There is a portion that one of the greatest wizards in the books talks about a time in his past. His mother died when he was quite young and had just finished his schooling. He, being the eldest, had to take the responsibility of his younger disabled sister and brother. To make a long story short, his sister died and his brother estranged himself from the family. He talked about how sad he felt that these things happened but how relieved he was also. That he wasn't tied down anymore. That he was free to be the great wizard that he was when he told this story. That was exactly how am feeling. That my children are tying me to a life that I don't want. But of course I made the choice to have children so I have to live with it.

This comes down to my point. I can't stop the feelings that my life is moving by without me and the feelings of un-accomplishment and no purpose. But I can't get rid of the guilt of leaving my children with a sitter to raise them while I go work because I'm "bored". So I wonder how other women do it? How do you deal with the daily rigor of being a stay at home mom? I am by all means not saying I am giving up on my children. Perhaps, I just need a break? Or should I give up? Perhaps I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom? If I'm truly honest with myself, it really doesn't seem it fits with my personality. I mean I wasn't one of those loving girls who babysat and loved babies. I'm sure this too will pass but how can I continue without going crazy?